Peer Review 3

I feel this individual essay is written on a very interesting topic and really gives them an opportunity to make a really cool argument here. With that being said, I feel that if the writer were to provide more background information on juuling before jumping right into introducing the nitty-gritty of the essay, it would strengthen the introduction paragraph. Additionally, I noticed that the writer mentions many strong points throughout body paragraphs written so far and I think if they took s few sentences to dig a little deeper into some of the points they bring up it then some really strong supporting paragraphs could come out of it. I also took note of the fact that the writer has bolded each sub-claim, I encourage the writer to make these sub-claims just as clear in the content of their paragraphs but to do so without labeling each paragraph with the sub claim itself. Besides these points, the writer is on a great path which each point they bring up and I think once they incorporate Yo-Yo Ma and Jonah Lehrer it will really bring their essay together to fit their thesis!